Somehow last night, my dad got me so drunk that I ended up throwing up on the couch, turning the cushions over to hide it, and going to sleep on them.
The hot Japanese girl in my class just said her "favorite sexy American actor is Nick Cage." That, I can work with.
His roomates just started party boying me. He stood there with the look of horror on his face.
I cant help but love a girl who informs me of the pregnancy test results by emailing me a YouTube clip of Barney Stinsons not a fathers day speech.
Recently successful and happy relationships are at an all time high now that you are no longer fucking so many peoples girlfriends. You alone have changed the mating patterns in the lower half of our county.
You need to stop relating my life to your schoolwork. But tell my girlfriend that she'd be proud.
You better fuck one or both of those bitches and bring me pictures that will make me uncomfortable
I can do at least one of those things.
Nah nah nah the rules are different on st patty day, drink beer or die. It's like the hunger games but blurrier
We can't BOTH have terrible sex lives. Get fucked or throw him out.
I was just the victim of a drive by judging in a horse and buggy.
The fuck? Where?
St. Mary's. Amish people. Too high for this.
I thought it was pretty weird, but after the marinating loins thing, i figured i'd roll with it.
The guy I screamed at across the bar for booing the Bruins ended up buying me shots I had to explain to him there's not a chance in hell I would ever fuck a Canadian! #Bostonstrong
Positive reinforcement! I'm training him for being a good boy and coming over. He gets sex and cookies.
I watched a compilation video today of a guy banging his sex doll to edm music. I just had to tell someone.
Sunburned by dick at the nude beach. Bad. She tried to blow me. But. I. Just. Can't. Saddest day of my life.
A girl I had a drunken hook up with is on interventon right now
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