he was in the bathroom singing "will it floooaaat?? will it floooaaat?!" turns out that's a deal breaker for me.
According to Glamour magazine, experiencing sexual pleasure helps you live longer. I am dying an early death.
How am I still drunk? Whoever said breakfast is the most important meal obviously didn't skip dinner and go drinking.
he smelled like listerine and beef tacos
Woke up this morning to my mom on the phone with my dad saying, "It's probably just your prostate." Reasons to move out. Go.
You basically told your boyfriend at the time you were going to shit in his hands.
And I meant every ounce of it.
'Twas I. Do you have any idea what it's like waking up to see you sent a text inviting someone to partake in "sexy rumpus?"
Someone just bought me a one liter long island and call me maybe is on. I'm going to die
I knew my bag made it because I could smell the fireball that spilled inside of my suitcase before it was on the luggage carousel.
moral of the story: if your going to mix ambien and free skyclub alcohol, take a direct flight or have a layover in a city you wouldn't mind having to return to for a court date.
Dude. Woke up this morning wearing that chick's panties. 8/10, would recommend. I love tequila.
Just for future reference. Do not do zumba while stoned out of your mind.
So it's my mom's birthday and I wanted to be super cheap and just walk up to her and say "I got you the greatest gift ever, mom! I'm actually sober right now!".
Gez, you make a couple noises and all of the sudden your the loud girl.
I think sunday funday got a little out of control. There is cheese slices and BBQ sauce all over the roof and 4 empty bottles of vodka in my room.
Randomize
