It would be worth it to see how drunk he is right now.
He cartwheeled into the side of the neighbor's garage.
Ok, i'm coming over
Ok a condom literally fell out of my underwear this morning, i have never been so confused.
i remember getting really pissed off when you wouldn't let me sleep in the garage with your cat.
I just used dish soap as body wash. I smell like a dishwasher exploded. isn't the end of the semester fun?
One fish gets drugged and suddenly I'm labeled a bad pet owner. This is so unfair.
Saturday dinner is funfetti cake and merlot. Singlehood has come to this.
Dude I reek of $2.50 pitchers, $1 off/pack marlboro cigs, and fear.
Fear?
FEAR.
You know you're a whore when you color code your calendar with who you slept with on what day incase you have ANOTHER pregnancy scare
I just did something so unspeakable in the panera bathroom that their health score dropped 10 points.
Do they mail horrible human being awards or do I have to pick it up or what's the protocol on that shit
Antibacterial soap and prayers does not for spermicide make
The cop said he like my hair today. Please explain all other interactions with law enforcement, k thanks
To this day, I regret not having sex in the bathroom
I can't masturbate without laughing really hard at some point and it's entirely your fault.
I think I came out of my blackout as I was ordering wine from the private wedding reception.
Randomize
