I would never have sex with Danny Devito!! JSYK.
all the sharp corners in my house are covered with litter foam blocks. al set for partying
dude you cant keep breaking into my house just to raid my fridge.. especially at 3AM.
Just pulled back my covers. Jizz. Jizz everywhere. Hipster jizz everywhere on my only set of sheets.
Just saw you drinking out of a flask on national tv. I've never been more proud of you
Chick in class has 69 tattooed on the back of her neck. Target acquired.
A woman on my train just walked down the carriage in a wedding dress, crying and clutching a can of Carlsberg. Oh...
When he wears his hair down and sandals, he looks like Jesus. A Jesus I would fuck.
That's not what Jesus is for
I need something for rope burns and an inner ear infection. Separate incidents, FYI..
I don't know what to do with my life other than going on Reddit and watching porn.
she made me cum so hard I dislocated my jaw. I'm keeping her
I just got a robo call from the Addiction Help Line. Not sure how to take that.
I have two choices: tits or tacos. I just can't decide.
Just checked out of walmart with a 30 pack of Budlight and a wiffle bat. Hello, Monday night.
We have such a parasitic relationship. But the kind where the parasite benefits from the relationship. Like the pilot fish and a shark. The fish gets the leftover food scraps from the shark and the shark gets a free bath from it.
that's so insightful.
Randomize