smell like capt'n and strawberry champagne
Fuck that. Livers are so overdramatic and attention hungry.
im returning my roomates shirt with a "i got laid in this" thank you note
i dont know you, but i just did a line with your business card.
She just did a myspace photoshoot with her baby
So I'm really hungover walking to work and these douches from comcast on bikes ask if they can take a picture with me to show that they're doing their job. The picture: me, this chick from comcast, i'm holding a 2 ft. pixie stick, a comcast flyer and i'm puking in the parking lot. sounds like their doing a good job!
nothing worse than sitting down ready for a solid porn sesh to find out your internet is out. comcast owes me a handjob
She tried to lure me back to her house by saying she had "real" pizza.
I was so stoned on the way to work, I pretended you were in the car with me. We sang "Mrs. Jackson" by outkast.
she was masturbating to a video of herself masturbaing. She's a keeper
In complete seriousness I think I am the highest person on earth
as he was fingering me, all I was thinking about was how lucky his girlfriend is...
You don't understand. There's baclava and there's post sex baclava. You can't compare the two.
I would go a lot of places to get laid. But I would NOT go to Staten Island.
He fingerfucked me in the hot tub and then we had sex in the wine cellar. See thats why I like partying with rich people
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