i just funneled a beer through a mask n snorkel.. can you check that off my bucket list..
next time a party gets busted lets get a group photo first.
Its like I instantly had a mental image of me in my mugshot.
He just asked if I would make his black snake moan. Dating basketball players is not worth the glory
I just got turned down by a drunk fat chick. At my own birthday party. God hates me.
He just asked me to pee through my panties while he watched. I might need more tequila for this one.
Don't worry. This time I'll get black out drunk so they'll just think it's an American thing.
He sent me a picture of his ass and said the backdoor is open. Almost grabbed my keys and a condom before I saw it was a group text. Not nearly drunk enough for his desperation.
It's just one of those days where I'm too horny to function, to be perfectly honest.
If I get there and all he has for my big valentines surprise is his body, I'm dumping his ass and posting his dirty pictures on a porn site so people can laugh at him.
That edible kicked in right as I was upside-down on that rollercoaster. Fucking.mind.blown.
Why did I wake up to a snap chat of myself drinking beer out of a blender?
In order to save time, dignity and liver damage, wanna get naked?
Do you remember feeding the vacuum doritos last night?
You sent me a pic of you peeing in two separate directions
and like half a dozen dick pics
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