when i was alone, his dick was there for me...
I knew the only reason I bought a smartphone was to play "You're Havin My Baby" on the way to cvs to buy Plan B.
Trick or treaters just rang our doorbell
Give them the moldy beer cans, we need to get rid of those
It's amazing I mean I blew that senator just for him to deny me marriage.... Politics suck and he swallowed!
I wasn't vocally whispering "she wants to bite your dick off" about that kirsten girl was I?
Ok so you know that's gonna be legally viewed as kidnapping, right?
I actually had to tell him that sex doesn't replace my Tupperware. Our relationship has reached a weird level.
I have a terrible feeling that I made out with a fraternity last night
We went camping and met these lesbians and now I have S'mores where there shouldn't be S'mores.
Cheese, the small of a woman's back, the universe, mountains, vampiric demons, sleep, and dreams.
Are you ok?!
I assume I've stopped bleeding because I haven't passed out, but can't verify currently.
So many people have told me I have great tits tonight, I'm unstoppable
Will you still call me Bond when I'm sober?
we are currently pregaming for our walk to the liquor store.
step one: admitting you have a problem. complete.
I love friends. Friendship is wonderful. I wish the rain was my friend
Randomize
