I'm so high I just tried to eat a hair tie thinking it was one of my pretzels.
I heard from anne today. She has a broken collarbone and is knocked up. Apparently florida is awesome
i'm forwarding you the dirty picture of that fat girl that likes me sent . i feel like since youre my best friend you should puke in your mouth too .
By "met a doctor" I really mean "fucked a pre med student"
I think i just fucked the same guy a second time without realizing it....does that make me a good whore or a bad whore???
Just had the best idea EVER: start a mead brewing/dispensery business! WE CAN BREW IT IN MY GIANT CLOSET, AND NEVER BE SOBER AGAIN.
Until they make a bed that bathes you in your sleep, I will not be satisfied.
I think the paper my teacher just handed back to me had one of his pubes on it, I'm way too hungover for this
I just had the worst experience of my life, my grandma found my condoms.
I can't tell if I'm still on the hangover from last night, or if I'm experiencing the one from tomorrow, because it was so powerful that it actually traveled back through time...
My legs feel like baby dolphins
So, I've discovered that I'm approximately 70% nicer to my mother when I've had an orgasm in the last 48 hours. It's science.
2016 was supposed to be my year of being a ho, but I guess 2017 might be too.
idk but im stoned n hiding in the bathroom from my kids with a really big bowl of really little candy bars
Every time I look at him 'Relax' by Frankie Goes to Hollywood plays in my head. Is that weird?
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