Jesus wouldn't steal pop tarts. So why did you?
think im gonna go get a six pack before class and sit in the back of the room...
Imagine if sharks could walk on land...scary.
Going to a jewelry store high is not a good idea. I look like mr.t's wife.
Two portable blenders. We are going to be popular and dangerous.
His penis is literally smaller than my cell phone. I can't go out like that.
We're sitting in his room writing songs about America. There's a verse about a dead dog. There's tequila everywhere.
My kids are NEVER playing in the park more than 2 feet away from me until they are capable of punching an eagle.
I woke up in his bed wearing nothing but a penn state hat. We are....
wouldn't be a true Fourth of July without dropping acid at 9pm on a Monday
FREEDOM
Usually it's tequila, or vodka. But today was just the devil
Why did u text me "I want to get drunk and go to pizza hut tomorrow. don't let me forget." at 3am??
That text was pretty fucking self-explanatory, man.
Showed up to pick her up in my boxers. Lets just say im 2 for 2 with this new idea
I am watching Wayne Gretzky and Alexander oveckhin play video games for charity. What is life right now.
He graduated. He’s not my GA anymore. He’s just the 24 year old that’s helping me put a sexless marriage in the rear view mirror by exploring the Kama sutra with me
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