24 hour fitness called offering me a free trial stating that you referred them to me. I told them you have been taking pics of naked guys in the locker room and selling them online.
That's not a bad idea, actually...
You totally narrated your dogs thoughts for 2 and a half hours last night, and I was enthralled. I didn't say one word, I just listened.
we need 14,000 post its to execute this plan
Just saw a woman walking a golden retriever and a vacuum down the road. I miss downtown.
Trying to figure out if I'm the second dude she hooked up with yesterday. I feel like a consolation prize
I thought he was kidding when he said pretend to be a dunkin donut delivery women. This is the last time I ever role play.
do you remember the combo for the lock to my pants?
Its... i dont even know. theres lots of rap music and i cant find my shoes
Well sundance is in town and Im going to use my one and only shot to bang Taylor swift... Does it count as a random if shes famous?
Finished watching the entire first season of mighty morphing power rangers. Now I have nothing. Not even a life.
I don't care. I'll text you about my butthole whenever I please. That's what you signed up for in this relationship.
I'm smoking a bowl with matches and a candle while my mother washes dishes downstairs. I thought adulthood was supposed to be different.
I swear to God, if you have sex in my bed one more time you're gonna start paying rent
I keep finding Kraft singles in his pockets. Honestly, this is the weirdest family I've ever worked for.
I was on antibiotics for a bladder infection and couldn't drink and you told me there was no longer room in your life for me.
Randomize
