I think I deserve the nobel peace prize for discovering that one should smoke before drinking instead of drinking before smoking.
She was so happy she found her sunglasses, that she blew me. Im now randomly hiding things of hers in hopes she'll find them and I'll get a repeat performance.
Her vagina is like Vegas. high traffic and full of glitter.
I got laid because I told her I play guitar. I haven't played in 7 years and only know a G chord. I love this place.
Girl next to me just ralphed in a bag. Congrats class of 2010
so i finally decided to ask her out. she started mumbling, then she puked on me. i think i'll try again when she's sober
Did you rob me and blame it on the strippers?
Dear future Eric, sorry about the Everclear. Sincerely, Eric +2 shots E.C.
Oh shit. The hangover. It has taken 20 mins and 5 attempts to tie my shoelaces
Yup. Can I borrow your penis decanter for my Xmas party on Saturday
Remember last time I drank with my mom? I asked if I got my dick sucking abilities from her.
If you don't wanna wax my ass just say so.
At 38 I had to open a Snapchat account to communicate with my 21 yr bf. where is my life going.
I'm eating year old chocolate from the trash can. It was in a ziploc bag but still, this is a new low. Help me.
Never again will I go to my mom's side of the family's parties. After the bride and groom cut the head off the roasted pig together they boarded their RV and rode off into the sunset.
Randomize
