me texting you is like we have secret walkie talkies.
If you dont, I will tell Dad you are gay.
Fine, and I will tell him you fucked his business partner
Previous statement retracted.
I have the Lakers game on, but all I can think about is having sex with you. Not sure what you've done here.
If I brought two seashells to Lowe's, do you think that they'd drill two holes in each shell for me? I need to be a mermaid on Saturday...
Also, I'd like to add that that I'm not quitting my job, my boss fed me shots at 11 am this morning.
Just had to throw up on the floor of my car during traffic on the way to work. Car next to me saw both times. Found the downside to having a job right after graduation.
Babe.. You are farting in your sleep and it literally smells like something crawled up your asshole and died.. I'm gagging and I feel like I'm eating your fart right now. I want to tape your ass cheeks shut and plug up that canon you call your ass. All I hear is snores and farts.. You are lucky I love you
I told her shower beers are even better when you have someone in there with you and she said she's been looking for a new drinking buddy. It's a goooooo
We were in his kitchen and she turned to me with a straight face and an avocado in her hand and said "Can we steal this?"
All's fair in love and war. and tinder.
I just noticed that pic of your cock has a Christmas tree in the background. It's July.
I vomited out my contact lenses last night
I was trying to sext but got a notification that my dad and professor both commented on my Facebook photo. Bad timing.
i woke up this morning with a fake eyeball in my pocket
You threw him in the dryer?
He went in of his own accord. Mumbled something about experiencing the blossoming of popcorn.
Randomize
