umm..so Dad's wearing a thong, I don't know what to do
put a dollar in it?
I just walked by a homeless man reading the money section of USA Today...
On the bright side, I hit her with the door on the way in
got so drunk i was kicked out of my own birthday party and tried taking a bottle of vodka with me
in light of our recent drunken behavior, i think it's time we seriously consider hiring ourselves a babysitter.
It's like he's trying to get head in every car except his.
Do you know who the random guy who just walked in to kiss me goodnight is?
Some chick asked if she could eat me because I'm dressed as a taco. I introduced her to RJ. Best Wingman.
His flight is delayed. Mother Nature is delaying me from sex.
Right now, I'm sitting in my room, drinking beer, eating double stuff Oreos, taking bites straight from a block of cheese, and watching Anchor Man 2 trailers. Finals week at its finest
After we finished, she peed a little on my chest and told me she was "marking her territory". I didn't know if I should have been scared or aroused.
Let's FaceTime each other while we shotgun beers
I will consider today a failure if my nipple isn't bitten at least 😂
Oh is THAT how we're gonna play mini golf
not being a booty call is very strange. Who knew there was so much time for activities at night!
There are leaves in my underwear?
Randomize
