it was like eating out sand paper
You can't date a girl from every country.
I'm the captain planet of women
Just wrote a paper about alcohol abuse that sounded like my weekend...
I have fb friend requests from two random swedish brothers... Must have something to do with that hostel I stumbled into on mardi gras
before you smothered your pizza in mayo you blotted it with a napkin saying you were trying to watch your fat intake
i need to find a notary that isn't going to turn me in for blatantly lying to the us and chilean governments
If I puke off the kayak tomorrow think nothing of it.
Look, opening a Guinness with a steak knife and nearly cutting your finger off to make another carbomb is always a good idea.
I'm two sheets to the sexual wind
From one hot mess to another... Get it together.
Soooo we should kick it sometime when it's like light outside. Drink outta cups.. Be bitches. 7, 6, 3, 5.. 4, 2, 1... Sschhkiddaellladiieessscchk
Would it be weird if I congratulated the guy who almost broke up my marriage for working on the marriage equality bill? You know, thanks for fighting for the sanctity of marriage. Weird, right?
You used a fucking bud light like as lube last night. I'd get a UTI test like stat.
Very interesting. Let's just say I got home last night and threw up, found a joint in my bra, and woke up naked in my bed
Just because you haven’t had your UTI yet doesn’t mean you have a right to talk like Yoda
Randomize
