my dad just told me that a lesbian kissed my mom at a bar last year
Before you ask, yes. Whatever you're wearing IS too slutty for his mom's funeral.
We've been broken up for 7 months. His mom sent me a card with a brochure inside titled "How at Risk for STD's are you?"
I'm this close to masturbating to his profile pics from 2006
I WANT MY VAGINA TO POUND AT NICE THINGS.
Either your boy toy or the kid who pulled a knife on me in high school is here
The cop left me alone after I gave her my spare snow cone. It was a hot and humid day and that uniform looked stuffy. Yay stoner me for overindulging in icy treats.
I can't promise that. They just put an extra shot in my margarita.
Please put me on a plane and hypontize me into forgetting the little bit of last night that I do remember.
I just offered a cat a "drinky drinky" I'd say my night has started
We could put on there: "Drink jager bombs and do stupid shit faster, with more energy!"
I took a 19 year old to a strip club and ended up in a three way. Divorced life might be OK.
Life hack: hotbox while in the car wash. It'll change your life.
Thanks for wearing matching bob ross shirts to the bar with me and referring to every guy as a happy little accident
the gnome is staring at me and the pineapple is wearing shorts. I don't want to do this anymore.
Randomize
