Dude, I was completely sober last night, didn't puke on my shoes, went home with an incredibly beautiful girl, wore a condom, and didn't wake up in a puddle of urine this morning.
hah, sarcasm, classic
He woke up next to me, said I "wasn't naked enough" and fell back asleep. I proceeded to blow him.
I had to write an apology letter to security guards in the hotel so I didnt get kicked out
she's a dental assistant. she can get nitrous. kinda looks like a sloppy bucket of fuck. time to take one for the team. NEED SHOTS STAT!!
Thou shall not celebrate other people's birthdays as if they were thy own
WE'RE FINALLY ADMITTING THAT WE DESPERATELY WANT TO SCREW EACH OTHER. THIS IS WHAT PROGRESS FEELS
You know when you meet a penis that looks like it was made out of all your hopes and dreams?
okay when i look at this i can see it on the future news along with the headline "picture scandal involving senatorial candidate sexually harassing drunken idiot in what appears to be a pink room of pain"
DONT YOU DARE DIE YET THERE IS SO MUCH SEX TO BE HAD
My cousin is passed out in my room, so I just masturbated in my walk-in closet. Apparently I get off on danger. Make note of that.
They left around 10:00 this morning. I've been naked since 10:01.
I got so drunk last night I took a ice bath with my mother in law
It's the kinda thing that makes you wanna buy a rainbow flag and fight republicans and kiss girls
2016 was supposed to be my year of being a ho, but I guess 2017 might be too.
Socially acceptable to sleep in a booth in the library? Its not finals but I dunno if I can make it back to south. Too drunk.
Randomize
