We just all danced like dinosaurs in the center of the dance floor.
You can't see him, he's in front of the dildo, but Amelia Earhart is blocking your view.
I've had more sex in the two weeks since we broke up than I ever had in any two weeks we were together.
At one point I went looking for you and found you handcuffed to a chair. I'm pretty sure you handcuffed yourself. I don't know how you got there.
You threw up? Were you ladylike while you did it? I'm wagering that you were. Like a Disney princess. Like a "Puke Me Pretty" Barbie.
i know you're at the dentist, but this dick pic was too phenominal to wait and i deserve immediate tit compensation
my parents have to start far too many of our conversations with the sentence "this is an observation, not a judgment" than I'm proud of
You told your mom that it was your second day sober. I think she believed it until you jumped off the balcony
dude, where are you? this beer run has taken so long i read war and peace, took a nap, and shaved 3 times.
You yelled "NICE PAJAMAS" at a construction worker wearing a reflective jumpsuit while we rode past on a bike taxi
The first crop top of the year and you're rocking it in the ER. #ratchet
What is my life?
Let me atleast have my coffee before you start talking about your penis
He said my vagina smelled like pomegranates. Its like my vagina is the fountain of youth.
I was so drunk I got motion sickness from sex.
The shower rod just came down while I was pooping. I caught it though and the curtain stayed on, so I'm not sure if it's a good or bad omen for the rest of my day
Randomize
