Would it be horrible to send my ex's girlfriend an email telling her that I sexed her man up so dirty that he fell asleep inside of me afterwards?
I'm surrounded by dudes and fupa's! No hot chicks...wtf!?
Medical industry, most hot chicks dont want to deal with blood + shit
He left a cum stain in the shape of a heart on my sheets.
He's like the Bob Ross of love stains.
We just built a bong out of a pineapple. I am never leaving hawaii. Ever.
You were spooning my trash can and I had to crumble cookies on the floor by your face to get you to eat
i can't believe you were mixing vodka with green tea last night and enjoying it.
i should bottle and sell it. my slogan could be "green tea vodka. antioxidating while intoxiacting. your liver will thank you. "
Dude that bathroom stall was not tall enough to be doing lines in, guys kept peeking over and giving us high fives
He tried to fight me not realizing that I work as a bouncer in the the same bar we were in. His night ended with him in handcuffs, missing teeth, PLUS I got his shots that he ordered since he didn't get to drink them.
remind me to get a blood sugar test this week. I'm pretty sure I'm a mojito away from diabetes.
Was I holding a cat when you saw me? Because that was the height of that party for me.
My mom just added me on Facebook... She has one like and it's Will Smith
I wish university was like frosh week all the time and then they just give you a degree for surviving
I told my boss that I'm in a slutty stage of my life right now and the chef overheard and slipped me his number. I might get laid tonight
Hey the moment you step into my house, find me IMMEDIATELY so we can pinky promise on not roping anyone at the party into yet another threesome
I was walking out of the bar when he said I'll see you later and I said I'll see you in my dreams and then fell face first and broke my nose
Randomize
