Tried killing a moth in our bathroom. Water everywhere. Don't worry about it.
guy picked up a cops taser, thing shot him in the neck, he went down and pissed himself, cop started laughing and hasnt called an ambulance.
I knew you were drunk when you poured scotch on a croissant and ate it.
eye of the tiger was playing while i pooped... it totally helped.
What am I legally allowed to do to a girl that is the equivalent of me punching her in the face?
She said I was the most selfish person in bed she's ever been with and she's fucked Tucker Max.
You wanted to thank my penis. You wanted me to take the condom off so you could touch it and thank it.
I just smoked a bowl alone and took my Zyrtec here's to a full night.
I just remember lots of butts and something about ranch dressing.
So I was just like hi, I'm your roommate's gf. Please don't hate me. That would be rly inconvenient for you.
Bacardi 151 is like a past nightmare I'm still curious about
You know darned well I have a well-documented weakness for redheads, Subway and hand-drawn graphic novels.
We almost got stabbed in the nuts last night. Don't worry, we're alright.
Found this cake smashed up inside a box on the sidewalk. Im saying yes to adventure and eating some.
Taking a nap. Sidewalk cake kicked my ass. It had boston creme filling!
you better come over.. I need a witness to help prove the couch talks to me
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