apparently the secret to your success is patron
I just want to make him a cookie cake that says "you have no chance with me."
He's gotten way too comfortable around me. He came into the bathroom and took a shit while I was in the shower.
My parking ticket this morning was 30bucks. I feel like I'm paying the city to fuck you.
i called my mom using *69 and said this was the principal and Matt has a snow a day today. she believed me.
Wait, how is it that I'm just getting ready to go out and you're already showing your penis to freshmen girls?
Just faked two orgasms bc I had too much wine and remembered mid sex that I bought doritos yesterday.
I should start printing out disclaimer handouts and passing them out to people saying, "I can not be held responsible for anything I say or do this evening."
My period started right as he was entering, which really helped me sell the "I've never done this before" bit.
If by "Are you drunk?" you mean "Did you just faceplant in the checkout line at Target?" the answer is yes.
Overheard-"sex" and "giblet gravy" in the same sentence. Best thanksgiving ever.
hell or highwater he WILL get a blowjob in the hammock before the end of summer.
We can't stop being roommates, you do such a good job of holding my hair back when I puke. I don't wanna buy hair elastics.
I lost my bra, he lost his virginity. Seems like a fair trade off.
are you drinking tonight?
I have an exam tomorrow
so yes.
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