this is no time to have dignity 4/20 is coming
My dad walked in on me masturbating in my own apartment.....my own apartment!!
My mom just told me to make sure my face isn't on the front cover of the newspaper on 4/21. Challenge accepted
You told me to pour the Gatorade on you "like Flashdance"
she's sniffed three people's necks on the bus to see who the good smell was coming from...
she's gonna get diseases
We all make mistakes. Just lock them up deep down inside your mind so they can surface as weird sexual fantasies it takes your therapist years to decipher when your 40
I sat down next to him and my bra just unhooked itself
Hello and welcome to the game 'Matt needs weed'! Rules are simple: first one to find a bag wins the fabulous prize of getting stoned with yours truly. Thank you for playing and good luck!!
I just used my AAA membership to fix a strippers flat tire in return for a lapdance...does that make me a bad person?
Something about being drunk at 1pm chasing seagulls on the beach while it's raining is very calming
apparently I got pissed off that no one would let me spray them with a bottle of champagne at midnight of the new year. so I sprayed myself with one shirtless in the near freezing cold outside
I shoulda been born a dude. There's too much power in a vagina.
I see you listening to my get shitfaced playlist on spotify. glad we're on the same page tonight there's a drink waiting for you downstairs.
Hows your mom
Shes good, she claims she wasnt drunk
The best walk of shames are on the highway
Randomize