I just threw up on my dentist
he was fingering the outside of my pants..i knew that was my cue to leave
I walked up to a girl in a bar, and all I was capable of doing was taking my beer and bumping it up to hers. While doing so, all I could say was "Bud Light". She walked away.
Sorry my moustache came off because I was face first in a layered bucket full of jello shots.
this is what happens when you pick a roommate a year in advance.. she ends up hating you for hooking up with for of her extended family members
I just tried on my "outfit" for tonight and I should just wear sweatpants and a sign on my face that says I like it in the ass. That would be more comfortable
I feel like passing out with my foot on your face has bonded us at a very fundamental level.
like i literally can feel my uterus getting frustrated at me for not being pregnant.
I guess I can give it a shot. I usually just get belligerently drunk and go where my penis and feet lead me. No fights or getting too lost, so they seem to be doing a good job
I used the hope and guess method to figure out who I slept with last night.
Today is an "outside sex" kind of day.
I shaved my entire vagina for a man who had the personality of a potato and a C- orgasm. Life is a series of disappointments.
i just had to ask the gas station attendant what state i was in... winning at life.
im in missouri by the way.
I called him Oliver all night
His name is Brandon
Dude... Those don't even start with the same letter...
Who knew removing piercings would be so radical?
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