we need to go to the store. i'm tired of having bud light for breakfast.
do you want me to pick up budweiser instead?
you just kept swimming in circles and whenever someone would try and coax you out you would scream "i CANNOT drown, my brother is the supervisor of a water park!!
I'm going to appeal my grade. Is it better to look studious or slutty?
If she asks the cat was vomiting before I fed it fried calamari
Haha, you kept saying the cop was going to give you a ride home b/c "that's his job, it's summer."
First day of class and I'm in a bar drinking pitcher #3. Foreshadowing?
I'm drinking Leinenkugel through a Red Vine. I'm not drunk. I'm just happy with my life so far.
When we were grinding I think your nuva ring fell into my shoe
my math prof is telling us what to do in a gun fight. i dont want to live in oakland anymore.
Seriously, webMD this shit for me, I cant move and I dont wanna die until I have something worth fighting over in my will
By NOT going to the gym, I'm helping my future. I don't want stripping, prostitution, or porn to be viable money making options.
You just managed to turn Dr. Seuss into a sext. I really like you now.
My Uber driver last night was driving a taxi and tried to charge me fare.
You didn't get in your Uber because your ex was driving, that was a legitimate taxi.
Maybe you should slow down tonight...
KINGS DON'T NEED ADVICE FROM LITTLE HORN-BILLS FOR A START
she said she doesn't remember seeing me at all last night. ...I was with her for six hours, there's no way she could have been blackout the whole time
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