just woke up and this girl had my cellphone nestled in the front of her thong. i kept thinking "is this a trap?"
Hey its the Filipino guy from last night. I just wanted to say sorry my friend bled all over your driveway. Great party though.
We are going out Saturday. Oh and we might also be jousting on bikes.
The liquor store manager told us to drink responsible as we checked out and we laughed to his face. Like we're buying karkov at noon, responsibility is out of the question
I fell asleep on the table at Denny's. Told the waitress to wake me up when my burger was there.
She was pretty drunk. It was like watching a puppy explore the world for the first time.
Our foot and a bit height difference is kinda fun, except she's so tiny that after we ate burritos it looked like she was pregnant. I had a confusing bonner.
apparently, dueling with garden tools in Home Depot is strictly frowned upon
All I've done today is make sangria and wonder what the hell I'm doing with my life.
I woke up in a bunk bed beside two Brazilians dude you have no idea how happy I was
I just found a reminder in my phone to ask you about your sex life in 7 years. So how is that going?
I don't need inspirational quotes. If I'm going to be motivated, it will be by anger and spite.
you were on a whole other level. you went home with him because he said "you got some light ass eyes"
because nothing says “let’s fucking rage” like getting a compensation letter and some company stock
Getting knocked up by someone with a good job and a big dick, okay. I can handle that. Getting knocked up by someone who sells dildos for a living and has a tiny dick, SOMEBODY is losing a pair of balls.
Randomize
