her dad's the mattress king, she's genetically engineered to be good in bed
I wish you could order shots online.
I bought a nasal spray, my nose needs to be in order by the weekend
Remember when I booked a hotel room for next sat? Nneither do I.
I was just expressing concern for your pickle consumption.
Apparently I was the fucked up drunk guy greeting people at the hotel in the lobby last night.
As I am reading this. I'm standing in my underwear eating taquitos. I'm saying this in the most loving way possible: FUCK OFF.
Can you explain the plethora of sunflower seeds in the dryer?
I woke up to her screaming at the various pictures of nutsacks she found on her camera
we have what I like to call an assload of ramen noodles
Also, I found out that my dad has the name of every boy that I've ever dated and their physical description, car type and tag number stored in his computer.
Apparently Angela went missing once and he says he learned were to look first and that it's best to have information on hand.
i think ive crossed the line from sexually frustrated to sexually furious
I asked him to make me two boxes of macaroni and cheese. That's like eight servings. How did I think that was an okay amount.
Then, he ate me out while I watched Bo Burnham. Best. Night. Ever.
I know EXACTLY where things went wrong with her...I didn't use Cheetos as a wooing tool.
Randomize
