I don't know how this happened but I got an email thanking me for being a Waffle House regular. HOW DO THEY KNOW?? Maybe I need to stop going there shitfaced.
nothing says happy new years better than a black eye from shooting yourself with a champagne bottle
I'm drinking margaritas out of a soup mug, of course I'm going to get wasted
I sat down with you and helped you write your will last night. I was THAT convinced that you weren't waking up.
He was wearing a Knicks jersey I had to go home with him. it was a rough season.
Does the whole "it was New Years" excuse apply this year?
ok... i just had to be reminded that people in animal costumes were feeding me shots at the bar.
He's reached the drunk point where he's trying to convince the family to buy falcons as pets. Can't wait to see how my steak turns out
Smoked a topless bowl this morning. For International Women's Day. Quite liberating.
So a sorority girl just introduced herself to me by saying "a guy I used to fuck just threw up on me" and then she grinded on me
Yeah, he hid all the toilet paper and took a video of me looking for it before I shit my pants. Definitely playing that clip at our wedding.
Nothing like sunday church bells to aid your walk to the pharmacy to get plan b
I can check masterbating in China off the bucket list.
I just want to sit in my tub, drugged out of my mind, and watch the green lantern cartoon while the world as we know it ceases to exist outside my bathroom door, Okay? Is that REALLY too much to ask?
Hey! you should come over!
Who is this? The number is saved as "Sexy Awesome"
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