The dentist just giggled when he accidentally shot water across my face, I can sense how he treats women.
thursday was literally the first time i didnt drunk eat since the bush administration and it was only because i was fucking someones boyfriend. making a mental note to do that more often.
i can't believe you were mixing vodka with green tea last night and enjoying it.
i should bottle and sell it. my slogan could be "green tea vodka. antioxidating while intoxiacting. your liver will thank you. "
Uggh answer your phone, you are the only one I know who'll be proud of what I woke up next to this morning .
Maybe there is a secret pocket full of cocaine in that spiderman wallet.
It's like your nipple is comforting my nipple.
My night just got really weird. In a sit down stall bathroom at this nice resturaunt and this guy walks in as I rip a humongous porcelain-splitting fart. Well, I hear him stop for a second. He then opens the door to the stall next to mine, sits down and says, "player two has entered the game."
Did you win?
My old dealer would be proud of the drug cocktail I just took for my back pain.
The dude we met that gave us weed sent me a video of his balls covering the sun like a solar eclipse
I cannot, in good conscience, let you talk to a guy who wears Chaps and a knit beanie
It's a family event: you have to drink. No way around it. Its the law.
Got a blowjob while watching James Bond's "Octopussy." My 13 year old self would be so proud
I really want to stop getting this drunk. I've got the Sunday scaries and it's only Saturday
She's got a shotglass necklace, running down the street asking people to "fill her up". Get here.
I guess we coulda said a little less mature audience and a little more e for everyone.
Randomize