as for my dating sex life, no more regret sticks. Only pride wands from now on.
The idiot babysitter thought my dildo was a teething toy and gave it to our child.
Did you put it in the freezer again?
Somewhere in this world my second husband is in 9th grade.
Thank you for the breast cancer awareness themed circle of death. Had it been any other time I would not have played topless.
today's the one month anniversary of me not giving anyone head. can you tell me you're proud
it's sad that this is a milestone
and now that ive poetically compared your vagina to a nuclear missile, I hope youre prepared for this date.
just lying in bed drinking beer with a straw waiting for motivation. why?
You tried to fight everyone, so we kept having her take her shirt off. You were sufficiently distracted...
Nothing like coming home and finding the nearly full bottle of fireball you forgot you had stashed before your trip
It's the little things
well. can officially check "get caught having sex on the front porch by the neighbors" off the bucket list.
Have you seen him ? Seriously. No one is that straight.
My cardio is walking around the office looking for free food.
Why the fuck is there raw bacon in my bra. I don't even have a stove.
i just want to cuddle, make out and maybe have a boob grabbed but no. someone has to have mono.
It wasn't my fault.
You let her suck your neck. Yes it was your fault.
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