I am engaged
To a real live girl that has met me
I needed to borrow my dads nail clippers and next to it was an industrial size box of condoms if that wasnt bad enough I dropped the clippers behind the bed and discovered hundreds of used condoms
If they ask for a stool sample we r no longer friends.
I found a knife in my bed when I got back this morning. I think one of my roommates has it in for me
i like how i just referred to his pregnant wife as the "other" melissa and you didn't even judge me.
If one more "stranger" walks up to me at the bar and asks how I have been, I am going to rehab.
I just ran up four flights of stairs in heels, im getting an orgasm tonite.
every single time I see a picture of the two of them on facebook, I want to just call her and scream "your boyfriend said I give the best head on the east coast". But I've been told that would be inappropriate.
He asked me "did you used to go to church" while we were having sex.
Are you on your way? Get your date and black out with me. Democracy's at stake.
So, Cheetos don't microwave great.
The moment when you and your BFF compare frequently used emojis and realize you have similar mental disorders and a really weak alibi.
I just watched my high school guidance counselor pee in the backyard of this party.
This Asian instant coffee I found in ur kitchen is like crack. Who knew I could feel my heart beating in my asshole after one cup of this happiness.
Look don't ask questions just know that one thing led to another and I have a shot glass stuck in my ass. I need your help!!!
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