how much do you want to bet that her wedding invites will be vera bradley themed? loser has to frame theirs.
Through a series of unfortunate circumstances, I think I just sprayed lime juice on my vagina.
I forgot to mention I threw up in my wine glass AND my neighbors empty cup.
it feels good to walk into a CVS and not go straight to the pharmacy counter for plan b. its been a while....
Peter invited his little brother to smoke with us and he is trying so hard to pretend he's done it before. When he saw the weed he was like "hell yeah!" and everyone got completely silent and just looked at him
If I am going to pay someone to make me puke, it's going to be the bartender.
You rubbing siracha on a cat with your feet is the opposite of what I want.
It is officially Christmas time in Chicago. There's a drunk hobo on the CTA singing the first 2 lines of Frosty the Snowman over and over and over.
I could not handle jail. And my very angry parents.
You know you're gay when you have to have your coworkers explain to you why your bracket is terrible
I need to stop getting so drunk at bowling
Umm... When he walked in I shot him with my confetti gun... It's a wonder my booty calls even show up.
She swallowed the car key because she thought we were really going to make her drive.
1 why did you tell them where i peed last night and 2 where the fuck are you
You had blacked out Skype sex? Wow we live in the future
Randomize
