White Russians with skim milk. Fuck I'm healthy.
that coffee was exactly what I needed. Also whose awesome hat is on the couch with ear flaps? I wanna put my head in it
For future references, orgasms clear sinuses.
Talking to a male stripper. About the LSAT. Only in Vegas.
I don't really want to have sex with him, I'd just want him in a threesome. Does that make sense?
See, the Lortab wasn't working enough, so I thought "hey, vodka can speed that up! That's how science works!" Which probably should've been my indication that the Lortab was in fact working
i fell into a bathtub last night and broke the fall with my forehead. my forehead is bruised
it's just weird to think of you as a teacher since ive seen you throw up raspberry bacardi in my parents house
if elf comes on TV one more time i swear to god i will smash my brains out with this fruitcake
Thanks for bringing that stuff to help me feel better...you know, the water, the Gatorade, and the dick. You really are the best friend ever.
I barely trust you with my tinder, why would I let you take the staples out of my head?!
Sext me about skeletons
You went to pound town last night and chow town this morning. Boy you need a passport.
The cat ate a weed mint. This is not a drill
He just canceled. I got an amazing new dress and now he’s decided he’s spending the weekend with his family
In other news, there’s some rando in an expensive hotel bar who is going to get very lucky tonight because I love the way this dress makes my tits look. Want to help me find him?
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