we'll penetrate his innocence with our dicks
I'm pretty sure if an eight year old calls you a whore.. it's true. just saying.
swear to god some girl just crawled out of the washing machine. this is intense.
Cop gave me a ticket for public drunkedness, and then I convinced him to drive me back to the party
I should have to wear a sign around the rest of the day so everyone knows the shame I feel.
I don't have any swimsuits that don't show off the weird handprint bruises on my hips. Do you have a onepiece I can borrow?
The only reason I'd ever want a boyfriend is so that someone would spoon feed me applesauce when I'm so hungover I can't move
She interrupted us having sex in the tent by threatening to kill us if we "got cum on the lasanga."
NEVER LET ME DO THIS AGAIN I FEEL LIKE I'M GONNA SHIT MYSELF TO DEATH ARGHHHHHGHHG IS THIS WHAT DYSENTERY FEELS LIKE
Going to an AA meeting just so I can fuck him...That's dedication
You were pouring Patron into the window of the squad car trying to get the police dog to drink it
So thats why that cop beat my ass?
Probably
Those tiny little fruit fly looking mofos. They fly past the phone and I grabbed them like Daniel-San
FUCK YOU AND YOUR WEAK ASS EYEBROWS
New low: uploading my contacts into Facebook in an attempt to get the name of the girl I brought home last night.
She’s 47 and wants me to fuck her on her mom’s hospital bed
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