my dad just secretly slid me a nugg in front of my mom. remind me why I moved away for college??
hey quick question, what would you consider to be a "first date" porn?
Well they kicked us out after we started heckling the acrobats
Your subconscious sucks. Mine is awesome. I have a recurring dream where I manage a chocolate factory run by big titted hookers.
A) you're a liar. B) that would be awesome.
We've reached the point in our fuck buddy relationship where we are playing words with friends. This is too intimate.
No night ever ends well that starts with "you know what this needs? More tequila".
oh my god. picked the worst day ever to not wear underwear...
I'm just gonna stop you right there because there is, in fact, no such thing.
I feel like my body was put in a dryer with rocks set on permanent press.
Sitting in my car feasting on the spoils of Taco Bell as Donna Lewis croons "I love you, always forever." A more perfect moment will never exist.
I gave myself a charlie horse masturbating this morning. I feel like that really set the tone for the day.
Btw, you owe me. One (1) orgasm.
You told me you didn't want to go to the hospital because you were drunk, but because you didn't want to leave the "fun".
And here I am, playing fetch with my cat at two in the morning.
I'd like to know who hasn't seen my tits tonight.
I just snorted sandwich everywhere.
I hope it smells nice :)
IT DOESN'T BECAUSE I HAVE MEAT COMING OUT OF MY NOSE, DAMNIT.
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