i can smell the iron from margo's period blood from across the table.
the people next to us in line are buying a 12 pack and a snuggie
He's at the gym. He likes to get high and swim cause it makes him feel like a fish.
I just got this text "hi this is Julie, I met you last night in the bathroom. You asked me to text you and remind you that you ate an entire lime, because you figured your sober self in the morning would be confused."
I have never smelled more like a drunk mariachi band than I do right now.
Just made a Xanax and ginger ale smoothie. Oh Thursday you are good to me..
She keeps telling me I can't keep feeding the dog my food. I gave half the weed brownie to the dog and half to me. I just want it to taste the greatness of cheezits like I am.
I can pinpoint my loss of innocence as the moment I started masturbating with my teddy bears
Careful, it's a slippery slope to discovering you're bisexual...trust me.
You peed on someone's house because they had a Wisconsin flag.
sex on the stairs. not our finest idea.
You're the only person I know who can be puking into a trash can at 8 in the morning in Manhattan and get a date out of it....
I fully committed to my astronaut costume, to say the least. blacking out on moonshine and having a moonwalk of shame this morning: happy Halloweekend.
I need a nap, Harry Potter movies, and dick in this exact order after work.
I just woke up in the closet wearing nothing but a Santa hat.
Randomize
