mom just found 19 empty wine bottles in my closet. i hate spring cleaning
what has two thumbs and is going to bang you boss on monday?
you finished all 5 burgers, started crying tears of joy, and then claimed the tears were actually just 'meat sweats' from your eyes
Whatever. It was high school. Back then I'd blow anyone who had enough room between their chest and their steering wheel for my head to fit.
If you don't come out tonight, who's going to wake us up in the morning because they're fucking in the middle of the room where everyones sleeping?
I have dibs on his crisis of faith.
I feel like I should pray to the god of Febreze, because it is like it washes away the smell of all my sins from the bed
we're all going for beer and wings at 7. inflate your girlfriend and bring her along too.
Doing coke by yourself isn't as fun. Even when you're watching a James Franco movie.
Who wants to play the "pick up your shit from our floor because you're not paying rent or dating either of us" game?
i just wanna know who wrote "dibbz" on my ass?
Woke up in my boxers on a subway with a phone number written on my arm in lipstick..Best Night EVER.
Pooping in a box is not fun. You're not a cat.
This town reeks of teen pregnancy.
Good morning beautiful! Wanna steal a cat this weekend?
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