I think I'd rather ejaculate tabasco. You'd have to scrape out guacamole.
i woke up with a grocery list signed by "the people who ate all your shit while you were passed out"
I just realized that there are baby oil soaked hand prints on the wall over my bed. Last night was a good night.
I've already started drinking so the earlier you get out of class the more coherent I'll probably be.
You're in a tuxedo, you can pee wherever you want.
I've wasted nicer days than this hungover and dry heaving in bed.
I woke him up with a blow job and he started sing "oh the USAAAA. IT'S GOING TO BE S BEAUTIFUL DAYYYYY"
Oh I was gonna ask you the same thing...? It's official ask anyone to see your husbands dick day.
We'll just charge in there, all pant less and fabulous demanding he give back her ferret.
You started sleep walking, went to my closet, tried to pee on my boots, and when I asked you what you were doing you said "I'm talking to these people about jobs"
The first guy I ever sexted is having a baby.. Is this what adulthood feels like?
Well... I got her number now... I think she is a dish best served drunk
How to not get laid: tell him he reminds you of your brother. While having sex. Thanks, vodka.
We had a company shotgunning beers contest in the parking lot today, and I won. God bless America!
The day will come again young grasshopper. For now you must complete your training of patience and tongue biting
Randomize
