My landlord doesn't knock anymore when he shows the apt... So i just had sex in front of a family.
didn't stop?
naw, they were rude, not me.
smell my finger.
He told me about his girlfriends trust issues during our post sex spooning
Congrats to the girl that left her positive preggo test in the bathroom...
someone lit off fireworks while I puked in the street. I was like congratulating me for making it through homecoming.
You're like my zumba instructor for alcoholism right now
Dude she broke four ribs, how does a 110 lb girl break four of my ribs during sex?! It hurts so bad but was so worth it
The less fucks you give, the more fucks you get. Kinda like "a penny saved is a penny earned" but with vagina.
Nothing shouts "I'm single" like a thousand needlepoint pillows.
Hooked up with a girl in the dorm laundry room tonight. And got invited to go to Vegas for free. That's how today's going.
5 minutes Isn't even long enough to bring me even close to an orgasm. How selfish. Think about baseball and fuck me you idiot.
OKAY THAT'S CREEPY AND I'D PROBABLY ACCIDENTLY ORGASM
If those panties could talk.
"Once upon a time, Jenny got chlamydia from a magician. The end."
Coffee's working. Just killed a fly with my bare hands.\nFuck with me.
He asked me to describe my life outside work. I responded with "Home-wrecker.
Randomize