My birth control alarm gets more depressing every night.
i just jacked off to lindsey vonn, i feel so patriotic
USA! USA! USA!
I'm about to pick up E from underneath a random doormat.......how is this remotely normal?
Drunk me Does not appreciate a drunk, naked you kicking me off the couch at 3am. You have a bed here, you dick
If the Cards come back I will fly to St Louis and shit in a very public place.
Drinking loves me for WHO I am
But I'll just tell people it was a bar fight... Sounds a lot better than "well I was drunk and alone and eating Special K naked in my bed"
Ah, drunk me ordered sushi at 3 a.m. for sober me's lunch the next day. EXCELLENT
Tequila ran out around 11 so she let them do body shots of chips and guacamole instead
I found you laying in a field of grass near the trail I jog on in the morning like a drunken Bambi.
For both our sake, we've decided to ban watching combat sports before sex
Also this just in, I think you could see my sequins underwear that say unwrap me through my leggings all day while I hung out with his family
This is the perfect outfit to do ketamine in, I must say
I'm sorry you're hurting. Would a picture or my erect penis help?
After the "sex" was over I dressed as quickly as possible. And then he came over to me stark naked and embraced me. For over a minute. And all I could think was please get your penis off my dress.
Randomize