Oh this totally just became legit. My "boss" is puking outside my car right now. I win again.
Last night we hooked up in nothing but out UK shirts during half time. Never say I'm not a dedicated fan again.
I went out in the middle of the night to smoke my weed.. Didn't realize my dad was sitting on the patio doing the exact same thing..
Theres a fat guy wearing a speedo. Someone just got puked on, and didnt even react. Whats happening?
Apple should advertise that their phones are puke-proof. They would appeal to a whole new audience.
It would only make sense that I'd cheat on him with his best friend on the ides of march...
I am lonely and I want to touch your beard
Just getting in the shower.... found a "great job" sticker stuck to my boob.
So how was your night?
Nearly got hit by a blue bell ice cream truck. Can I count on you to make plenty of puns like "her life was sweet, and so was her death" at my funeral if that was to happen?
Just told my shrink " this was a year for whoring around"
You're not horrible. Thank you for my pandas.
The house across the street caught on fire today, Drunk people high centered their car tonight. Looking out my front window I get to watch police chases all the time. I am going to miss this place.
Why are you drunk at the library?
Why not?
If you ever get divorced...would you call me??
How was your night?
Good. I made people cry and run home
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