i'm going to be one of those im-wearing-a-shirt-as-a-dress girls today. dont make fun of me, i need laid
Note to all middle aged "I totally let myself go after childbirth" frumpy mothers: I do not dress this way for your husbands. Stop looking at me like that. It's not my fault.
yea i guess its safe to say fire extinguishers are not synonymous with whip cream cans
we made out at a charity event. really i was helping the fight against aids...
there was a fucking fire juggler. but it was ok bc i was in the kiddie pool and it was the safe zone
When you accidentally type "I want Prince William to fuck me in the ass" to your mom there's really no way to take that back.
There is an empty space on my boobs where glow paint should be.
We had to leave. Dave knocked a dude out for saying yolo.
Don't linger or you will get sucked into spending the night. Remember the mission mantra: GET OFF
I got a message from the hook up gods today that it's time to move on. It came in the form of me being shoved in a closet naked and stuck in there for 30 min well he watched boy meets world with his brother.
I SHITYOUNOT DAN JUST PUNCHED A DEER IN THE FACE. MID LEAP.
HE'S LICKING FROSTING OFF OF THE EIGHTEEN YEAR OLD BOY
I woke to him laying in the floor puking in a shoe. So I guess we had a good night.
IF I CANT STRIP TO SANTA BABY THEN WHY EVEN HAVE CHRISTMAS.
I wish there was a tumbleweed emoji. Because that would describe my vagina.
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