so he made me dinner last pm @whch point i askd if i could help out. he hands me his fucking laundry and asks me 2 do it
only you. it could only happen to you.
Puking in one of the stalls, a guy ran in and started puking in the other stall... In between heaves we told each other our names; i found out that it was my old best friend that moved away in the 8th grade
I didn't mean to leave you there I just didn't know him well enough to throw up in his bathroom.
I'm gonna need you to NOT let me play duck duck goose with three racoons in the middle of the street next time.
If your wondering where your blanket is, I put it on the 2 guys you brought home last night. Their still sleeping outside on the trampoline.
no one is here. wer drinking in the beer garden in the dark and we stole a bucket of blue paint off the sidewalk. now her legs are blue.
Gave him an awesome blow job on his living room couch last night, so at least he'll have something nice to think about next time he's watching the Tigers lose.
Nothing like banging your nurse in the shower while staying in the hospital
Yea... The gym isn't gunna happen today... When I was drunk last night I tried to prove I could front flip off the wheel cover of a semi... I fucked up my shoulder pretty bad... It was more of a roll
I just got my evaluation. My manager told me he hated my guts and pretty much wanted to stab me in the face. Then he gave me an "exceeds expectations" on pretty much everything and a raise.
I wore a shirt that says "more tequila" to my bday party last year and that's why I want to be my own friend
Is it sacrilegious to take tequila shots on Saint Patrick's day?
Idk. The bad part of me thinks it's a good idea. The bad part is also the stupid part.
I was having a dream that I was swimming in a pool filled with melted chocolate but woke up to find I had poured chocolate milk all over my body
Unless my dick prospects improve this year’s Halloween costume will include panties with “DTF” written on them and a push up bra
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