im going to pretend im pregnant so i can eat a lot then i will accidentally fall down the stairs
So I just walked into the bathroom, and there was this kid, talking to his mom, while taking a shit. I flushed the toilet next to him and heard him say into the phone, "No, I'm not. I'm in my dorm."
whenever he goes down on me he looks at me and I just want to poke him in the eyes
she's using motion activated glade air fresheners as some sort of early warning system
Im covered in vodka and melted gummys. Fuck summer.
I think he offered to cook me dinner or cook me for dinner. Not really sure. Just smiled and nodded.
shit went down at the bar when this girl with 'morals' totally cock blocked a married guy. she actually kicked IN the bathroom door when they were fucking in there. then we all did shots.
Dude she let me install handle bars on her headboard. I should have nailed my boss years ago.
Just got gas in my car for the first time while high. Went better than expected.
There are only four things in life that are certain. 1 Death, 2 Taxes, 3 The wu tang clan aint nothin to fuck with, and 4 you will never be more important than taco bell
I masturbated to my balding thirty-something co-worker last night. I am a new level of lonely.
OUR DIABOLICAL SLUT PLAN HATH COMMENCED!
Just smoked the bong while taking a dump. I love living by myself.
All I got was pictures of my boss and dicks. So, that was the end of snapchat.
You were so drunk last night that you fell thru the bathroom door at the bar, ripping it off the hinges in the process. But, your birthday tiara stayed on thru the whole thing. I'd call it a succcessful evening. Happy birthday kiddo!
Randomize
