My life has hit rock bottom, I'm watching a movie on lifetime about retarded people falling in love. And I'm jealous of their relationship.
I just answered "If only I knew" for a quiz in criminology, she loved it. I got an A
I've decided that my new worst fear is that I'll end up on "I Didn't Know I was Pregnant"
Have introduced beer-pong to my work's Tuesday lunches.
Ikeep having to ask jim if I'm actually talking. I canmt feel my body...this is what Christmas is all about
Also he wants to know a casual, consise way to ask a girl in a bar if he could eat her out. Think on that.
I just want you and your enormous dick to be my fucking rebound so we can move on with our lives
Can't wait to hear which one of you won the 'fuck a bigger geek' contest last night. Queen Amidala vs Lara Croft. See you at breakfast.
Volunteering at a homeless shelter a bum asked if he could lick me cause I still reeked of whiskey. Being a bumsickle=epic hangover
I was mid hand job and stopped me because he wanted to "connect" which meant putting his thumb in between my eyebrows and a hand over my heart and closing our eyes...
No matter how drunk I am or how drunk I'll ever be I love you
We were talking when all of a sudden she reach and started squeezing my dick and goes "nice." and then just kept the conversation going like nothing happened.
hes sooooo boring!!! I feel like I’m in a relationship with myself now. I have an 8 inch dildo under my bed, THATS how much I’m in a relationship with myself.
I'm classy like audry Hepburn. Chugging wine out of the bottle on the way to the club. Shed do that. I know she would.
just licked the cheese off a burger. that high.
Randomize
