I'm so drunk I cant read cursive anymore.
I want my own midget army. I think I would be a good midget army leader.
fuck. did you have to draw it on me with a permanent marker
pretty sure that I broke my nose during sexting. Life is grand.
he called me from germany to tell me about all the gummy bears he bought...i'm doubting his sobriety
When I tried to give you a hickey, you karate chopped me in the neck.
I'd apply for another job, but "staring out windows crying" is not a hot qualification right now.
Excuse me, but I got friendzoned and all I could think about was the fact that I didn't have my underwear back on yet.
I'm dressed in all sequins still at 9:30 in the morning and the worst part is that I actually still fit in in Vegas
I think he just tried to put your boyfriend in a trashcan....
I wore his All-American medal during sex. I came in first that night.
Yeah I don't think your wife thinks it's a good thing that you're fucking your cousin.
She blew me while I watched the jets game and the hardest thing was deciding what to focus on more
Just once, can I please come back to a room that doesn't smell like beer and cum?
we had to take 10 shots sometime before midnight, then 11 shots between midnight and 1. so yes its gonna be a rough day.
Randomize
