i decided not to call her again when she started singing "goodbye my lover" as i was walking out the door..
why is it whenever you puke in the park there are always little kids on the swings?
It really ruins the moment when you have to ask to resend the nude pics.
i pretended i was deaf and got a girl to come home with me
I'm in the sex attic, crying, eating french toast and taco
Well, for starters, she called the condom a "dick mask."
Well I can't message him and be like "hey I was behind you in CVS a month ago and I remembered your last name and DOB and looked you up on fb and added you so wanna hang out"
You made her yell her own name while you were fucking so that you would remember it in the morning.
I don't care how much you're grieving a loss, masturbating off the side of a roof is not acceptable mourning behavior.
HEY JUST FOUND A SHIT TON OF MONEY IN THE PURSE HE SENT BRB GONNA GO BUY ME SOME MALE STRIPPERS AND BATHE IN THESE TWENTY DOLLAR BILLS
Current dream situation- Gordon Ramsey is my Uber driver and he's hauling around a backseat filled with chocolate covered açai berries. I'm good for eternity.
SCUSE ME I KNOW YOU DIDNT DO THAT MUCH COKE IN 10 MINUTES
There was already gay porn open on my laptop with a tiny carrot cake, a bottle of water, and a note saying "I love you, Sober Me."
Drunk me just hits it and quits it.
He was calculating the number of ceiling tiles when I was on top it was fucking rain man.
She’s super into those renaissance faires. But, if you can’t actually stab anyone, what’s the point?
Randomize
