That's not ass to mouth..... That a rim job!! Are you telling me she licked your asshole?!
apparently, "please pick me up from the airport" also means "i got drunk on the flight and need to give you roadhead in broad daylight"
i woke up with toilet paper straight tucked up in my underwear wearing a pizza sauce mustach. I dont think i got laid last night.
I intend to get homeless drunk
he built a boat made of joints. holyyy shit
Trust me. My penis has made more than enough decisions this weekend.
On the bright side his mom approves of me. Though it's apparently because she sleeps with married men and has a soft spot for "fellow homewreckers"
It's just like riding a bike. Only it's a dude's face.
Haha. I got you. I always pay you back somehow. Do you accept all major forms of payment: cash, taco bell, and patriotic underwear?
During your work shift I was either: a) stoned. b) high. c)stoned. or d) high.
Clearly it doesn't get better with age. Just more sexual
He sent me a pic stitch collage of all the tit pics I had sexted him this month. It was so sweet!
How the hell does my fucking boss know about the goddamned magician I fucked?!?
Yeah, sorry about that. Dropped the phone on my face while I was watching porn.
I can’t believe the first text I’m sending you from this phone was about how I just got fingered in a smart car on tin can hill
Randomize
