i feel like i'm a professional at blowjobs i can deep throat an entire spatula
After I tried for five minutes to hang my beer from the coat hanger in the bathroom , I have realized I am drunk
You were so drunk last night you typed www.face.come/cheese.com as if you were logging into facebook.
i came out of my blackout when my grandma called last night. it kinda sobered me up and i realized who i had been making out with. should i call and thank her for the defensive cockblock?
Got blown by one of the bridesmaids. Family BBQ today. They all know. Talk about awkward.
I knew the only reason I bought a smartphone was to play "You're Havin My Baby" on the way to cvs to buy Plan B.
Bank of America: Available balance is $546.25 on 03/04/2011 for account 8428. Go online for details. TextSTOPtoStop/TextHELPforHelp
i loe djcudia fjxos rue.
Hey fuck you and your taint. I'm just riding a canoe called life, back the fuck off. P.s. I need a ride
aaaaaand im pretty certain i told that boy i just met that "his balls better be out tomorrow"
I feel like everyone would be happy with that as a present too. "Oh you got me pussy for Christmas?! How'd you know?!"
I puked in my fridge last night while I was trying to get water
He wanted to feed hamburgers to the homeless... as a first date... who the fuck is this kid
By the way I got my period today. No NHL babies for me.
After we hooked up he started to cry and called his mom and told her he wanted to marry me
I had a threesome with my hot neighbor and his GF and by threesome I mean I heard them getting it on in their apartment and I was in my apartment with a vibrator
and I may have moaned his name loud enough that they heard me because now he won’t make eye contact
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