He disabled his match.com account in front of me
are you wasted or are you getting laid?
ebdebdebdebd
wow
My dog fell asleep in his puke last night. He's only 5 weeks old and has more in common with my friends than I do.
The lady at the touchless car wash just gave me the look of death. How do I say, "sorry it's not my puke" in Spanish?
We need to get her some penis inspired head protection.
Little boy scout stared at me with judgmental looks while I bought 3 bottles of liquor but refused to buy popcorn from him
We found you naked curled up in a ball in the closet, using a gorilla suit as a blanket
I can't wait to see you again...not a euphemism, just really looking forward to seeing you. Wanting to fuck you as often as possible just seems implied at this point.
Just had empanadas for breakfast while watching Wall-e with my yesterday's one night stand mother AND grandmother.
So baked. About to eat a calzone then hate fuck this guy.
THAT'S MY GIRL
I'm on day 4 of clean eating. I call it the "whore by June" program
Hes done the math! Hes calculated how much sex it's going to take to fuck 365 miles. Now thats a little brother im proud of. New resolutions are a go!
She moaned the name on my fake id during sex, that or she's cheating on me with someone named Victor
We have an albino peacock in our apartment. It's beautiful.
Scratch it being beautiful, bitch just stole my McDonalds. Call animal control.
drunk me always erases text conversations because she is a woman of mystery and does not like for me to know what's going on in her life
Randomize
