someone is gonna have my baby tonight. they just dont know it yet
I'll alert the authorities
Thanks for jumping on that grenade for me last night. You're the best wingman ever
She ate 7 of the 8 slices of pizza. I deserve a purple heart and sex w your sister
This is getting ridiculous. See/touch her boobs=good day. Not see/not touch her boobs=bad day. I am legitimately depressed over the lack of tits in my hands right now.
I swear if his heart was half the size of the cum stains he's left on my sheets we would have the perfect relationship
I just licked the seasoning off all the doritoes in the bag. Tell me when I should stop drinking or I'll just move on to the sunchips
I'm playing a game where i judge myself by whats in my cart. Also have 3 bright red giant buckets
I got written up at work for smelling like sex and vodka. Still not sure how they put that into professional terms.
I feel like I have to sign a death waver before I have sex with him...
Yeah, I only wore tennis shoes under the gown. Way cooler than khakis and a shirt, but much more awkward when my parents wanted to go to dinner immediately after the ceremony and my grandmother started to unzip the gown. Stopped her before it was too late, but barely. My dad just rolled his eyes.
All I know is I woke up with his business card in my bra and in my handwriting on the back it says 8 inch.
His mom finally got over her shame and smoked a bowl with us. Merry Christmas to all aka me.
I'm drinking with a guy who apparently blew my dog sitter.
my one night stand just gave me money "to buy a better vibrator" tis the season
He was 6'8" - I shit you not! He sat up in my bed and the ceiling fan got him right in the forehead.
He was laying on a lawn chair, fell off onto his stomach and asked, "where'd the stars go?" That high.
Randomize
