You can't special order awesome
There's an old bald Japanese dude on the metra next to me. He's drinking MGD on a crowded train, and rocking out way too hard to what may be the same Dallas Green song I'm listening to. Life is sweet.
Sorry if I ruined your sex last night with my constant text updates about the plot of Bolt.
i feel like my life is a cheap remake of American Pie
Now there are nude photos of that bangin hot Russian spy chick...this is officially the best scandal ever.
I just noticed that my shirt smells like coffee after eating out a Barista
i walked in and you were spoon feeding your sister grape juice out of a tupperware.
There's cake. And donuts. And strippers. It's like 5 year old me and 20 year old me are throwing a party together...
Her boyfriend was wrestling another girl. But, she said she was okay with it because she kept checking for boners--w the back of her hand like she was checking for a fever
He had me saved in his phone as "Dick Socket". Lets see if I ever fuck him in a bathroom again.
Everything tastes like Lysol. Am I dying?
Officially crunch time. It's my last year of grad school and I've yet to get blown in a school library. The parking garage was less than a block away though.
I haven't been hungover in so long I'm actually looking forward to it
P.s. I wore your shirt today and it has your blood all over it, but I am at a funeral home and they are using embalming fluid to get your blood stains out right now.
It's only just- an eye for an eye, a tooth for a tooth, a nude for a nude
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