I think the only thing that impresses me are nice penises...and Jesus. Jesus would impress me. Especially if he walked on water again.
he told me my vagina needed a tic tac
did the hipsters beat you up because you are more ironic than they are?
we ate a 40 pack of string cheese and watched an entire washing machine cycle.
ive been a drunken mess for the last 5 days. i feel like a 19 year old again
My liver is begging me not to go, but sadly enough for him my feet and hands control me getting there.
Awkward moment: seeing and saying hey to the MILF you're sleeping with while shopping with your mother and sister.
I told her I named my penis "The Spirit of Exploration." That's all it took.
I came so hard I burst a blood vessel in my eye. If i cant marry this girl, I'm gonna have to switch teams.
Do you think I'm short enough to dress up in a ghost costume and go trick or treating and have people believe that I'm actually a child?
I saved a note for myself but all it said was "am I a slutty Holden Caulfield?"
All I need to do is acquire a Shrek costume.
Please don't traumatize your girlfriend too terribly. Have fun.
But the problem is you celebrate with your heart but I celebrate with my liver
Me and some guy are crying in a port a potty together after another guy broke up with both of us.
Couch. On fire.
Randomize
