Well whatever you do have, it sure worked on me.
A Penis?
giving yourself 2 days to recover i see
I'll need it. Largely because i'm going to be stumbling through fancy restaurants with a bottle of whiskey insulting couples all night.
he had a sign stolen from the tennis court hanging above his bed that said, "please limit play to one hour while others are waiting"
i was so worried that when his hands were down my pants he was going to find the weed i stole from him
Hey man, sorry I chased you around the house with a small table.
The usual. Woke up on a dog bed with peeps and $11.
composition of my stomach right now: 60% C8H10N4O2 * H2O (coffee), 20% CaCO3 (pepto bismol/tums), 10% HCl (stomach acid), 5% fried rice, 5% residual adderall. i can do that by percent mass too. fuck you finals.
How many times do I have to drunk reject you for our friendship to become awkward? Cause were at 9 as of last night
Ive fucked up. im like a feral dog rabidly chasing an infrequent dream amidst a cataclysm of disaster
I met my future husband in an elevator. Think Hispanic version of Dr. Bunsen Honeydew from the Muppets, but with eyes like Michael Fassbender.
Can you please explain to me why there are 7 bags of tacos in my bed?
I helped you wax your vagina and you won't even get me Corn Nuts you fucking bitch?
He left stubble rash on my thighs and cooked me bacon before 9am. I need to lock this down STAT
I'm sitting naked on my bathroom floor and it remind me of us.
That's my way of saying I miss you
Atleast we had sex on the couch before your ex took it from you
Randomize
