i was so drunk i stopped mid-blowjob to make sure he i was with my boyfriend and not some random. twice.
I picked her up for our first date on a fucking horse. Of course I got a BJ.
cum and cheesecake for breakfast...don't fucking tell me pride week isn't awesome
I guess you don't remember pouring tequila in the dog bowl and slurping it.
I was so drunk that I didn't realize he was staying at the Waldorf. I walk of shamed the Astoria, do you even know what this means?
And we should impose a 'friends don't let friends order 25 shots at last call' rule
Someone asked me what I was drinking, I was drinking rum, but I was also eating starbursts so i told them "daiquiris"
Just woke up next to a girl with 30 hot dogs in my bed. Vodka you win again.
She wouldnt stop trying to stick her finger in my ass. I wish she wasnt so hot
Nothing says happy Monday quite like coffee and oral sex.
I have 3 vacation days left and I'm guarding them like a gay dragon on a pile of gold dildos molded after celebrities.
Smaug the FABULOUS
Dude, I need a fuckin wingman and this could finally make us eskimo brothers, how can you pass that up?
Btw I thought it was impossible to use up 48 bottles of patron in one night but I was wrong...
I just called my kid butt plug. Does that make me a bad mommy??
This may be the most diplomatic thing you've ever said
so let me get this straight you just stared at his boner all night?
Randomize
