So after THIS dui, I've decided to stop driving. Not drinking, just quit driving.
i woke up and my collection of plastic neon wayfarers were half-melted in the microwave. my drunk self hates my hipster self
definitely just fell out of bed trying to plug in my phone. when did laziness start getting painful?
he's only going to be home for two days, his dick is going to be in me for the whole 48 hours, he doesnt have a choice.
Remember middle school health class where we used to say that when we lost our vcards we would be on the pill, using a condom, and have had our partners tested first? We were so optimistic.
As shirtless as possible
Mike is so stoned. I just heard him quietly mutter to himself "rock a piss" as he walked down the hall to the bathroom
Oh my god I just remembered I bit a stripper last night.
IT WAS SO BIG. I FORGOT GOD MADE THEM LIKE THIS.
did the fire alarm go off at the party last night I kind of remember a fire alarm noise
omg omg i ripped it out of the ceiling omg
It's like bringing a chick home from the bar the night before and waking up to thinking you are about to go another round... Just to wake up and find she's already left...
I shit myself when I came, don't have flu sex
I couldn't read the menu. I ordered the first thing I was able to read. Don't think I ate anything. Left $20 on the table.
She wanted me to stick my dick in the birthday cake she got me
You wouldn't put pants on to see my parents.
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