I'm pretty sure there is a country song about this exact situation
between my moustache and how drunk I am it will be a miracle if I get laid tonight.
He just bought a 100-pack of condoms of Amazon. My vagina is already tired.
At McDonald's last night the guy gave you the wrong kind of McFlurry, so you screamed at him, "YOU MCFUCKED UP."
my dentist asked me why my tooth was chipped, i told him i couldn't remember. i think he understands.
yea i thought the egg drop soup tasted weirdly like cum, and then i suddenly remembered what happened last night.
i'm never eating chinese again.
I should start handing out wavers before I have sex with someone. 1. Do you have anything to do tomorrow? 2. Are you ok with sleeping 12 hours from exhaustion. 3. Are you ok with a limp?
Running across campus through Hurricane Sandy while hammered and in a slutty cowgirl costume obviously should be top priority tonight
I could go for watching some naked price is right. Looks like a good time to me.
I woke up with his condom in my mouth. I actually use them now you should be proud of me.
I feel like someone poured gasoline and bleach in my nose and lit it on fire.
Why! I don't feel that at all!!!! I feel jipped
It's like "hey I give your roommate blowjobs twice a week, want to connect on LinkedIn?"
We should leave before they realize I dumped a bowl of Fritos in your bag just in case I got hungry
Don’t drink the Bloody Mary - it’s vodka and salsa.
Looks like the opera singer hook up is paying off. Ran into the MILF from 407 and she said “your lady friend sounded like a very lucky girl.”
Randomize
