i think my mom watched the whole time
found a strand of your hair in my car. it's 1 ft 7 inches long
wtf you measured my hair?
No. I still stand by my previous statement that nachos and tequila is the breakfast of champions.
How are you going to be there by 9am?
Relax I always go to these conferences hung over
You say that like it's a positive quality
did the walk of shame through a baseball field. .A little league game was going on. Proceeded to buy a hot dog at the concession stand. the looks were priceless.
My grandma had to be escorted out by police.
YOU GOT KICKED OUT OF FIVE GUYS LAST NIGHT FOR THROWING PEANUTS AT THE PEOPLE WHO WORK THERE?!
correction: escorted out
I was only out of town for 1 week. His cell records show he texted 63 ex-gfs and hookups while I was gone. And 10 condoms are missing.
It's a journey
And the destination is his penis?
Precisely.
I woke up in a tutu and topless. How was your night?
Is it really bad that my last patient offered to fuck my brains out if I gave her IV morphine...and I gave her my phone number and told her when my shift is over?
Is there like a dick file on me? Guys can't hold two dicks anymore?! Who are you people????
I have a bunch of bug bites on my ass... This is why you don't have sex against a tree in the woods
stop texting me about your public sex.
says she who narrated getting eaten out in a movie theatre over text to me
He fucked me so hard my contacts fell out! Didnt know that was possible.
Randomize
