i celebrated the independence of our country by dry heaving tequila all morning. so classy. happy 4th.
Boys can't fool me. I know "want to come up and meet my dogs?" is just a nondirect way of saying "come up and meet my penis".
I mean its not the first time I passed out drunk at barnes and noble.
I gave myself a pep talk in the library bathroom mirror. and then threw up in the sink.
There are two things I love in this world. Dick and cats. Why can't I just have dick and cats forever
I still have a scar from the last time she gave me a handjob. There is NO WAY i'll stick my dick anywhere near her again
I just did a line of coke with an Olympic bronze medallist. I guess we know why he only got bronze.
I just text my one night stand Happy Easter on her way home...now would be a good time for the lord to smite me.
Wanna get mid day margaritas tomorrow if I'm still alive
I was stuffing my vagina with gummy bears last night having him eat them out of me. Team Haribo for the win!
Puking in the Ritz Carlton bathroom was actually kind of a nice experience
He was playing minecraft so I took a shower with my vibrator
I just dropped a condom on the floor at costco in front of my girlfriend and her husband. Today is not going to go well.
I'll be wearing lingerie and holding a bottle of bourbon so pick up whatever food you think goes with that
You can't hold me to anything I said last night; I was drunk on orgasms.
Randomize
