Just brushed my teeth...forgot we used this toothbrush in bed last night.
i'm almost one hundred percent positive that i have a warrant out for my arrest in this city. i also don't give a fuck because im drinking TEQUILAAAA
just woke up in my neighbors garage.
scratch that. I'm like 6 miles from my house in a random garage.
i just saw some one pass a baby through the drive-thru window at dairy queen.
The only way i can get arrested is public drunkenness or defacing a national monument. Trust me, i have already looked it up.
You walked in on me taking a shit and told me to hit the bong
WHAT? When did I ever refer to one of my past hookups as "the rainforest guy"?
I woke up to him peeling the skin on my stomach from my sunburn. If he wasn't so good in bed I'd be a little freaked out.
How did you make it to work sans hangover?
4 words: Clif Bar soaked in tequila. Just like albert pujols
There was a half eaten cheeseburger on my coffee table. Guess I made it to McDonald's.
can't decide if i look like a hooker or a missing member of Poison today
And as cleavage season comes to a close, so blooms a new season of yoga pants. And the people rejoiced.
When you're a bigshot ER surgeon and I'm a starving artist, I want you to remember who held your hair last night.
I told her I was going to sleep early last night. I probably should not have sent that snapchat of us playing beer pong.
We got kicked out of yet another strip club because your mom wanted to "show these kiddies how it's done"
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